Aint No Future in Your Fronting

Only some of you will catch what that title means. Sorry for the slang.   We all know someone like this. “I drive a Mercedes baby but it’s in the shop.” Or how about the woman who spends every penny she has on labels so she can keep up with a certain “status?” Where I am from, we call that hood rich. In fact, this problem has increased significantly by the invention of online dating. Someone can be whatever they want to be online. If you’ve ever dated online, you know what I mean.

For example, a woman may claim to look like this: 

when she really looks like this:  

 

There is no issue with how either of these lovely ladies look. HOWEVER….you gotta expect a man to be shocked when he meets you!

Now I have seen a man who claimed to look like this: 

When he really looked like this: 

Just kidding. I would never date ANY man who had a picture of himself with his shirt off on his profile. I don’t really care what you look like. It screams douche…but I digress because I’ve written about that topic many, many times. However, you get the point. Looks are not the only thing a person can front or…pretend about. How about age, money, job status or living with their gosh darn parents at 40. None of these things are deal breakers to all people…but lying is.

My moral here is simple: BE YOURSELF!!!! Someone will always find out. If you are not confident enough in who you REALLY are then you are not ready to date and find a REAL relationship. That’s all I have to say about that.

Until Next Time…..here’s a song that reminds me of this topic….Ciao!

 

 

 

Build ‘Em Up

I think a lot of people spend time pointing out the flaws in a person. It is a very easy thing to do. We are so quick to focus on what someone doesn’t do in our relationships. She doesn’t say this enough. He doesn’t do this enough. Some of us speak our thoughts out loud. Some of us do not. I guarantee you that thinking this way only leads to disappointment and poor relationships.

If you are always treating someone like they are lacking, they are always going to come up short. This will lead to that person always feeling inadequate and will create a sure path to destruction in your relationship. Maybe you just don’t comment on anything? That can be okay…..but….it is so much better if you “build up a person.” (DISCLAIMER: This doesn’t mean you are responsible for repairing a person’s entire sense of confidence. There is a fine line here. I am only referring to ensuring their confidence in how YOU feel about them.) So what’s the answer? I’m going to keep this simple.

Today’s Moral: If you want your partner to feel good about your relationship…freaking tell them what you think of them…um the good stuff. Focus on the things you really like about them. For example, if you think your girlfriend is an amazing kisser…tell her! Tell her often. You will be amazed what happens when a man/woman is very secure in your feelings for them. I know for a fact that a woman will blossom when she feels confident in your desire for her. Try it…for science.

Until Next Time….Ciao!

You’re Probably being Played If…..

We’ve all wondered if it was happening to us. Well…maybe not you. If you’re one of the fortunate ones….good for you! However, most of us have. I have sat around and speculated that someone really liked me. He um…just didn’t know how to tell me. Maybe he is afraid of being hurt? Maybe he is scared by his feelings? Maybe he needs space? Maybe he really is a top-secret spy that can only call me on Friday nights because of his job? Um….yeah…maybe? So what’s the secret?

The secret is ACTIONS! OOps! Guess it’s not a secret anymore.  In an effort to be useful (yes some of these..heck MOST of these I have written about before but I seem to get LOTS of questions about players.) Anyways, in an effort to be useful, I have a bunch of examples below.

• You might be getting played if the guy/girl will never introduce you to his/her friends
• You are definitely getting played (or at least not considered a “serious potential dating partner” if you bump into his/her friends and you do not get introduced. (Please do not take this. If you feel hurt by it it’s because….you should. I’m sorry if that hurts. Find someone who deserves you.However if you don’t care, rock on with your bad self!)
• You are probably getting played if he/she only calls you on Friday/Saturday..or whatever day. (If they are interested, it’s not just about that once a week hook-up call.)
• You are probably getting played if you have been seeing the man/woman for a consistent amount of time and you have never been invited to his/her house. (DANGER DANGER..it is quite possible they are married/shacking….don’t blow a gasket…I said possible.)
• You’re probably being played if you do not know what he/she does for a living….after like the first date!
• You’re probably being played if you always meet up at random, last-minute requests. (Not only that, but I find that rude.)
• You’re probably being played if your interest is not being reciprocated. (If you are giving WAY more that you are receiving, it’s time to check in with your brain and think about the relationship logically. This sucks..I know.)

There are so many more examples I could write. I would honestly love to hear any other opinions. Playing with someone’s feelings is messed up yo! I prefer to keep my advice simple…

Moral: If the actions of your love interest are questionable…take a moment to think about it. It hurts to have your feelings played with. Keep your head up and leave yourself open for someone who will adore you….I know they’re right around the corner.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

 

Bust a Move

Dear Sara,

Is it appropriate to make the first move on a date? I was always taught to let the man do it. What do you think?

 

Sincerely,

Anonymous

 

Hi Anonymous! The answer is: If it feels appropriate then yes you should! The rule is there are no rules. I used to be the exact same way but the pressure is crazy! I hate the pressure of waiting so the last time I had a first kiss, I was the one to initiate it. I just wanted to golly gee  get it over with! However, I would qualify this with the timing felt right to me when I did it. Remember to not get caught up in all the dumb rules that society and dating books try to cram down our throats. Listen to your instincts and trust them.

Until Next Time….here’s some old school hip hop….Ciao!

 

 

 

Beautiful Surprises

We all judge people. You know what I mean…you may see a biker dude covered in tat’s and you instantly form an opinion. Or perhaps someone runs across an urban teen dressed in hip hop gear. Most people also instantly make a judgement. I am not saying this is right and I am not even saying this is you. Perhaps you understand that urban teen is only expressing himself and probably isn’t in a gang or living the thug life. Perhaps you see a very well-to-do person and form an opinion of them? My point is that most of us make prejudgments based on appearances. Do you know what I love? I love the one thing that makes humans so wonderfully unique! The little surprises!

I recently bought an ottoman. I happen to drive a small two door coupe. As I was struggling to put the piece of furniture in my backseat (which was not an easy task..let me tell you!) a man approached me. He was covered in tattoos from head to foot and had one of those really long beards. He was dressed in tattered clothing and a leather vest.  Yes I made a judgement. However, I listened to him as he said, “You may want to put that in legs first.” As I was turning the ottoman around his phone rang. The ringer played a song of some death metal band but he answered and said, “Hi honey, I forgot to get your tampons so I am stopping at Target and I promise I will be right home after. I love you.” (Yes I smiled to myself but not because he was buying tampons for his woman. I smiled because he was a beautiful surprise. Once he got off the phone, he helped me fit the ottoman into my disgustingly small backseat and I was on my way. I smiled all the way home.

Six months ago my old car broke down. Luckily, I had a close friend who recommended  a mobile mechanic. The guy pulled up two hours late reeking of cigarette smoke. He was older with scummy jeans, a dirty baseball hat and the layer of oil that most mechanics can’t seem to get out of their nail beds. After he looked at the car, he told me we needed to go to the auto store to buy a specific part that needed replaced. Obviously I had to drive with him in his car. We get into his 1980 something car that literally has no interior panels, no passenger door handle and the floor is covered with trash. (I am worried that I may need a tetanus shot! Yipes!) The mechanic turns on the radio and I expected to hear some hillbilly tunes but to my delight AND surprise he is blaring….classical music. He quoted the composer! I was humbled by this experience because I never would have seen that coming.

Today’s moral: We live in a society that always seems to highlight the bad things and evil deeds people do. Sometimes we can get so caught up in the predictable patterns of life and our own past experiences that we forget what makes our species so very remarkable. We are all different and we are all capable of remarkable things. So yeah..um..what does that mean??? It means remember to not judge a book by its cover. We are all so very unique and people are not always what they seem. Keep your eyes open for the beautiful surprises.

Until Next Time…Ciao!

 

Ahhh..Memories

About 2 years ago I went on a date with a  U.S. Marshal. He was kind of intense but we had a great first meeting. For our second date, we went to a local bar for drinks. We had a nice date. We chatted and there seemed to be chemistry. The date ended on a solid note.

He text me that night. Then he text me the following day and we had this conversation:

“I am really attracted to you and you seem like a good woman. Do you know what I’ve always really wanted?” I replied with,” What?”  He proceeded to tell me this, “I’ve always secretly wanted to be with a woman who will cheat on me with multiple men. Maybe even let me watch.”  WTF??? “Well that’s not really what I’m into and we are not looking for the same thing.” (NOW I just think this dude is another LV Douche Bag. Scratch this homeboy off the list..ya know!) Lastly, he replied with, “Oh me either, I was just playing.”

Moral: Can you say delete and block?? I can!  I guess my moral is simple today. Dating is HARD! Hang in there and remember you are not alone in the struggle.  Oh and if you have these types of desires…wait until you really know the person. Derr…

Until Next Time…Ciao

 

 

7 Things You Don’t Tell Your Significant Other

Has your S.O. (psst: That’s short for Significant Other) ever opened his/her mouth and you wished you could shove a sock in it? Or even worse…..Have you ever watched the expression on your loved one’s face shatter as you cram your entire foot in your mouth? Then, once you said something incredibly insensitive, you just kept digging the hole deeper? I have. If you have never said something stupid you must be one of those perfect people and you really should teach…cuz I know LOTS of people who need the lessons (like um me.) Unfortunately,  I do not know of this perfect person…so…I wrote a list!

1. Do not tell your S.O that you are very attracted to a certain “type” of person that does not match them. (It just isn’t a good idea people. You’ve instantly made someone insecure about his/her desirability ((I have no idea if that’s even a word yo..but I checked and it is!))
2. Do not tell your S.O that you can’t see them anymore because your ex called you back. (Look some things need to be left out.  Things like that can be very damaging to the ego and NO I have not been told that but I’ve witnessed it.)
3. Never EVER tell your S.O they look fat (I am especially giving this advice to the men. Even confident women might have to work on getting over that)
4. Never EVVVVVVERRRRRR talk about the pleasurable sex life you had with your ex. (Some things are OFF limits. Why in the world would that even be mentioned? It’s really simple…stay focused on complimenting the sex life you currently have before it becomes your past as well. Derr)
5. Do not tell your S.O that you want to be married some day but not to them. (Even if it’s the truth..leave it out. It’s hurtful and I am guilty…although it was the truth.)
6. Do not attack your S.O’s moral character. (DISCLAIMER: If you are on your way out the door forever..perhaps a little truth-telling might be good. However, if you are planning on working it out, please remember this is the kind of stuff that sticks with a person.)
7. Do not call names. (It’s just not cool. I used to do this in the early stages of my marriage. Although many of the names were true, it’s not nice or productive. I’ve also been on the receiving end of some of the vilest names you can call a woman..by someone who claimed to love me. It hurts.)

Today’s Advice: Words hurt. People like to say sticks and stones may break my bones…blah blah blah. The truth is that most damage is caused by what we say out of spite or stupidity. If you love your S.O. focus on building them up. (post on that coming.) Think through what you are saying. Please trust me on this..focus on the good. It says that in the bible you know. (I’m not trying to get preachy but…) It’s the truth.  Also, if your S.O. messes up forgive him/her if it was unintentional. (I personally stay away from people who say mean things from spite.) If it was stupid…forgive. Writing this out helped me remember that too. Even if you are not Christian, my favorite book in the bible has a lot of valuable lessons on love. I will leave you with my favorite.

1 Corinthians 13:4-12

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Until Next Time..Ciao!

 

FEAR

As I wrote the word out, it occurred to me that fear is such an ugly word. On one hand, a little fear will keep you safe. For example, fear of getting hurt may stop someone from doing something stupid like jumping off a building. A little fear is natural and healthy. Tonight, I’m not going to talk about that kind of fear. I am going to talk about fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of loss,and fear of emotional loss. This type of fear can ruin your life. This type of fear holds people hostage.

I know a beautiful woman who just can’t seem to find love. She never really knew love before therefore she never really knew how to love. Rejection from parents can cut so much deeper than anyone realizes. So this dear friend pushes men away. She looks for signs of failure early.She can be downright mean at times to them. She has very high standards and it is very hard for anyone to get close to her…I mean really close. I honestly don’t know how I managed to get that close. I think we sensed our kindred spirits and formed a bond of lasting friendship. We live very different lives but sometimes friends cross your path by chance and they just belong there. I do not want her to be lonely. She is the most awesome woman I know and deserves a man who recognizes it and treasures her.

Until two years ago, I was just like her. It took real loss to realize life was short and I do not want to push people away. It took a lot of tears and a lot of exposure to rejection and pain to find the vulnerability inside of me to let go. I’m still working on it. Giving love is easy. My children taught me how to give love when my mother and childhood couldn’t. Receiving love is entirely different. I still look for signs of someone letting me down. I still expect people to.  I still find myself clamming up when I should be communicating and I still hold myself back from running. It is so easy to run. My dear friend asked me how I overcame it.

Well….obviously I haven’t…derr. I do have some advice though. (I really would take it for what its worth because I have NOT mastered anything yet..except Zumba. I rock at Zumba.)

How did I overcome my fear?  I always always always try to reflect on my reactions. I look in the mirror and see my flaws.I try to look in the mirror and see my self-worth as well. ( I was just told this weekend by a friend that I do not give myself enough credit..but really that’s a different story.) Instead of reacting like the firecracker people like to call me, I pause to think. (yeah like I said earlier…I still slip.) I purposely do not let fear from past relationships cloud my actions. I shut the hell up instead of saying something mean. I stopped playing games a long time ago. I do not fish for compliments or reassurances. I discovered that you rarely like the results anyways. I pray a lot. I hold my head high but instead of holding back from my feelings, I try to show them. I decided a couple of years ago that being a stoic island only inspired men to treat me as such. So many people are afraid to show how they feel. I decided to stop being one of them. I decided to really let people in.

I know you might be thinking: “Geesh Sara how is this overcoming fear?” It is scary to look at your flaws. I mean really look at them. It is scary to let yourself be vulnerable and open up. I know that takes courage because I had to find the courage within myself.  I did it because life is short. If you want to change your behavior….try changing your behavior. Start with your actions and I guarantee you results will follow.

Until Next Time here’s a scripture I love…..Ciao~

Date Gone Bad!!!

Sara,

What do you do when your date totally embarrasses you?  I recently went out with this woman who I met online.  Our first “coffee date” was pretty cool and I thought she was really nice. On our second date we went to dinner at a very nice restaurant. She ordered a salad.  When the  waitress brought it out my date came completely unglued!  She totally freaked out saying this salad doesn’t look the same as the salad she had last time she was there. What was the matter with it!  She gave the waitress a really hard time and demanded to see the manager.  The waitress and the manager were doing everything possible to make her happy, they brought her another salad they gave her a bunch of extra stuff, they apologized profusely but nothing would make her happy she complained during the entire dinner.  In the meantime I was so embarrassed I didn’t know what to do. Her salad looked fine to me, but she was throwing a fit. We finished eating and she took everything she could off the table and put it in her purse.  I was so embarrassed I left the server a 50% tip and we left.

I thought maybe this was just a one-time thing and so we went out again the next week.   We went to another really nice restaurant and she threw another fit!  She had to call in the manager and complain about one of the servers it was so embarrassing I wanted to crawl under the table.  Needless to say I am not calling this woman back and truthfully, I hope I never see her again. 

 What should a guy do when his date is embarrassing him like crazy?

 

Wowsers! I am sorry to say I laughed pretty hard at the imagery of someone stealing everything off the table. I think the question posed to me is, “What do you do in this type of situation?”

Advice: Well honestly Anonymous, I would not go on another date with that person! Also, if a date ever steals things off the table, then you should probably not ask her out again. (just sayin..) Although, I think that is “hindsight is 20/20″ type of advice. My real advice is if you are ever in that type of awkward, bad vibe, geesh this date is cray cray type of scenario again….end it. I literally would say something like this,”I can tell you are having a rough night and this is not my idea of appropriate behaviour. Thank you for meeting me but this is not what I am looking for.” (I promise you I have actually said something along those lines before during a bad date.) You see most people don’t handle things that way so they are shocked by it. If you say it firmly, politely, and in a manner that leaves no room for argument..I guarantee you will catch them off guard enough to make an exit. I left a bad date with his jaw wide open in a similar manner in the middle of dinner. He called me to apologize but really…..you just can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. (I’m full of useless clichés tonight!) You can choose to not tolerate that type of behavior and tell the bad date that and RUN or…………You can always go the bathroom and not come back. I prefer directness BUT the choice is up to you!

Until Next Time….Ciao!

Oh No He Didn’t!

So we know if we are on dating sites, we will get approached via message. DATING SITES. Last Thursday I received the message below. (PSST: I am no longer on the dating sites and haven’t been for a year.)

Hello Beautiful, I may not be superman, but give me a second and I will fly across countries to send you my love. Have you received it? hope you don’t mind us communicating each other through our personal email,hope you don’t mind?
Waiting to read from you soon…. 

Regards……. Christopher

And TODAY I received a different message from a different man!!!!

Hi thanks for accepting my connection, anyway l have gone through your profile and l must tell you that am really impressed on what l have seen therefore thats why l connected you maybe we can share some ideas together after hours though we are in different fields. You look really good and would wanna get to know you properly. bye and hope to hear from you soon

Where do you think I received these messages? FaceBook? NOPE Twitter? NOPE….drum roll…….LinkedIn! Now go freaking figure. I always assumed this was a safe professional social networking venue. The first email was over the top stupid. (Ummm sorry it was.) Let me qualify: It was STUPID under any circumstance. Stupid on a dating site, stupid on a boat, and stupid with a goat. I really blew it off to one of those rare chance occurrences but four days later another guy sends me a message. What is this? LinkedIn Lonely Hearts Club? So über stupid and unprofessional. ( I do have a professional persona ya know!)

Todays Advice:

Men: PLEASE do not send this kind of crap. It is ridiculously transparent and insulting. (Psst: It is insulting because anyone who sends it must think I’m some kind of idiot to believe its authenticity; and if you can’t figure that one out buddy…phone a friend.) Anywho…I do not recommend generic, demeaning messages. If you happen to attract a woman this way, she may be….generic herself.

Women: Let’s not reply to this junk. I know it’s tempting to want to tell them off or to just plain ‘ole vent but it just isn’t worth it. I stopped a long time ago.

Everyone: LinkedIn is for business networking. Not hooking up…and that’s all I have to say about that.

Until Next Time….Ciao!